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An illustrated Newsletter from a virtual English village full of hens
When I accepted a commission from The Awesome Hen to write an unbiased review of my new vacuum cleaner, I expected to be pressing the 5 star button right away.This little machine certainly looks the part. It is black picked out with little orange contrasting parts. I can’t fault its cleaning performance either. However, with regret, I must describe my first trial session with it as being only a qualified success.
So … where’s the down side? Well, IMO – reached after a thorough testing, this vacuum cleaner should carry a ‘social ostracism – high risk’ warning tag.
Initially, I decided to conduct a simple performance check by hoovering up some dust & rating the results :
In a trice, there was a beautiful stripe on the floor which I followed up by making several more. It was almost as satisfying as mowing & I am delighted to report that the vacuum’s dust-busting capability is very high.
Growing more ambitious, I then tackled some crumbs on the table but unfortunately failed to take into account that the Agent’s newspaper was also there. The vacuum’s suction capability is really remarkable.
Next, I scored a partial success by cleaning weeks & weeks’ worth of mud from the dog.
She had been sleeping soundly but woke up suddenly in a bad mood, wholly unimpressed by the vacuum’s efficient promotion of health & hygiene within the home .
An experiment with the Agent’s suit failed when he walked off, also in a bad mood, before he was quite dusted
and I subsequently had a misunderstanding with the cat.
It took me simply ages to persuade her to come down from the top of the door and now I’ve just seen that some of the paint-work has bad claw scratches in it.
Weighing up the one pro of the new vacuum cleaner (a cleaner house) against the severe cons (neither the Agent, the dog nor the cat are fond of me at the moment & I have to re-paint the door), I’ve decided to give it a curate’s egg rating for The Awesome Hen’s product column.
Yours having quietly put the vacuum at the far back of the cupboard,
Disclaimer: unfortunately, no disclaimer is necessary as Liberty Hen, despite asking for loads of dosh, will receive no financial remuneration from either the vacuum cleaner company or The Awesome Hen for writing this review.Read More
Tonight, Lady E is coming round so we can have a lovely time putting the world – or Castle Coop at any rate – to rights while we drink coffee and play cards.
Doesn’t that sound a nice friendly evening to look forward to?
Yours while trying to find a pack of cards with 4 full suits,Read More
It’s been another busy week here in Castle Coop…
STOP PRESS: APOLOGY!
Liberty Hen is dismayed to discover she erroneously published a rogue issue of The Awesome Hen. She has assured her editorial colleagues that it is she, rather than gremlins or global hackers, who is wholly responsible for this mishap and apologises wholeheartedly to all subscribers for any inconvenience suffered.
As January gets underway, chairmen and committee members for our Village Clubs and Societies have been drawing up their agendas for the forthcoming year. Please read this issue carefully for details of new club & society recruitment activities.
Sir Burford Brown (Church Warden) writes:
Please note that as Rev. Rosecombe is holidaying in Devon, St Christopher’s in Upper Coop has kindly invited worshippers from Castle Coop to join its regular congregation during his absence. Extra seating is already available.
I am delighted to report that we on the St. Mary’s Refurbishment Committee are hopeful that the newly installed central heating system, wholly funded by the proceeds of last summer’s fete, will come through this recent cold snap with flying colours. Anxieties have been expressed by some parishioners re the damaged plaster work. Please note that our hard-working vergers are on the case.
You may wish to help us make our church as beautiful as (we hope) it is now warm. There are 2 ways to volunteer to become a St. Mary’s Refurbisher: either 1) enclose a donation – as sizeable as possible please (!) in an envelope addressed to The Chairman (me) St. Mary’s Refurbishment Committee or 2) sign up your skills and join our team! We particularly welcome volunteers with practical skills!
Writing on behalf of all of Castle Coop, The Awesome Hen is delighted to welcome Lady Egality and Sir Plym back from their holidays in Kenya and South Africa; we are relieved to have them safely home again. The Editorial team cordially invite Sir Plym (Sporting Editor) to publish an authoritative account of his first hand impressions of the Cricket Test Match ( England v. South Africa).
Interest has been expressed in the formation of a Sports Club for sporting enthusiasts who would like to attend matches and sporting events under the umbrella of a Castle Coop Sporting Society – to be called (pro tem), I Hengari. If any villager would care to stand for election (Chair, Treasurer, Sec, committee member positions available), please put your name forward to The Awesome Hen in time for next week’s issue.
Brown Owl was snapped for our Newsletter, leading the Church Cleaning Army last Saturday, by Sir Burford Brown (Church Warden). All in Castle Coop (apart from the unlucky ecclesiastical spiders which were efficiently dusted away by Brown Owl), will enjoy the results of the Church Cleaning Army’s labours.
Brown Owl (Chairman of the Church Cleaning Army) writes: As churches do not clean themselves, I shall be coming round the village during the forthcoming week to sign up recruits for the Church Cleaning Army. Ladies, if you are out when I call, I shall leave a card with a form for you to fill out letting me know for which dates during 2016 you would like me to put you down for the rota.
2 New Societies!
Lady Lohmann Brown – our gardening correspondent – is already planning ahead for the Spring Fair and would like to recruit volunteers to help stock the Green Fingers table. A Spring Gardening Society (unrestricted numbers) will meet every WEDNESDAY 2 – 4 p.m. in her greenhouse. Please wear gumboots or goloshes and bring gardening gloves, a notebook and pencils.
Lady Sebright would like to ask for volunteers to help stock the Cake Stall for the Spring Fair. After having received repeated requests to lead a cookery club, Lady Sebright – aka the Mary Berry of Castle Coop – has agreed to organise the Castle Coop Cookery Club which will be known informally as The Hot Cross Buns. Details to be published in The Awesome Hen at a later date.
The Chairman of the Village Hall would like to alert all medically minded Castle Coop villagers that they may attend a series of (4) First Aid lectures to be given by a representative from St. John’s Ambulance. These will be held in the Village Hall on Thursday evenings 6.30 – 8.00 p.m. starting the first Thursday in February).
Please note that a cash bar will be open after each lecture.
The #FridayFitness classes resume next Friday at the Village Hall after the seasonal break – at 10.30 a.m – 11.15 a.m.
If you would like to join in please contact Liberty Hen (acting secretary) – gentlemen as well as ladies welcome. Per ardua ad astra .
As a taster, for anyone thinking of signing up, please see Liberty Hen’s illustrated record of a #FridayFitness class in which The Lunge was the exercise of the week.
Note from our TV and Film correspondent:
The latest 6 – episode version of ‘War and Peace’ (shown by the BBC at 9.00 p.m. on Sunday nights) is being watched (& either enjoyed or slept through) in a great many households in the village. The amount of comment and interest engendered by the series so far have encouraged me to consider reviving our much lamented Friday Night Foyle’s War Club ; I for one have missed our regular meetings & it has been suggested that a new club formed to watch Downton Abbey or the 1972 version of War and Peace starring Anthony Hopkins (20 episodes) might provide some convivial and entertaining evenings.
If you would care to join a new club – virtual drinks and refreshments provided – either as an actual or a virtual member, I and my colleagues – Lady Egality (Treasurer) and Lady Liberty (Sec) on our committee will be delighted to welcome you .
Please let me (The Graf, Chairman, Friday Night Foyle’s War Club (defunct), c/o The Awesome Hen ) know asap if you vote for:
Choice A : The Friday Night Downton Abbey Club or
Choice B: The Friday Night War and Peace (1972 version) Club
N. B. For those who wish to purchase a virtual Friday Night Foyle’s War Club Tie as modelled below by Liberty Hen,
a few are still available at an attractively discounted rate. Please contact The Graf, Chairman, Friday Night Foyle’s War Club (defunct), c/o The Awesome Hen for details
Yours on behalf of our crack Editorial Team here at The Awesome Hen,Read More
It’s been another busy week here in Castle Coop…
The Rev. Rosecombe delivered a vigorous & timely address today on ‘Tackling Resolutions with Resolution!” which was well-received by the congregation. This was Trev the Rev.’s last sermon in St. Mary’s pulpit before a temporary break as he sets off tomorrow for a most well-deserved short vacation. He will be away for a fortnight and we all join in wishing him a happy holiday in Devon where he will be visiting family. For information about Church service times, please contact Brown Owl.
Castle Coop was sorry to hear that Liberty Hen was nearly pole-axed by a nasty shock when she stepped on her bathroom scales:
Luckily she rallied enough to stay calm, regroup and think about the problem logically:
And then succeed in dealing with it rationally:
once and for all.
Colonel Pyncheon has been busy trying to decide what to plant in his vegetable patch . He has drawn up some plans on the back of an A4 envelope for Lady Lohmann Brown to take a look at as she has offered to advise.
Liberty Hen has reported a Room 101 (01) on the Home Front
When applied to for advice, Lady Egality suggested using a slow cooker instead of trying to cook everything at the last minute: this advice seems eminently sensible and well worth trying & the editorial team is delighted to publish this advice in The Awesome Hen in case it helps any other tentative cooks.
The following email has been sent out to the Ladies of the Church Cleaning Rota by Brown Owl:
Having been struck by the horrid thought that possibly her set of bathroom scales weren’t broken after all, Liberty Hen has embarked on a new reducing regime:
Lady Egality and Sir Plym, corresponding from overseas in Cape Town, have emailed Liberty Hen to report that the weather is hot in South Africa and they are thoroughly enjoying watching the Test Cricket Match between England and South Africa. Castle Coop greatly looks forward to welcoming back to the village when they fly in next Wednesday.
Yours on behalf of our crack Editorial Team here at The Awesome Hen,
The stars in tonight’s clear winter sky are so beautiful, they make me catch my breath…
Yours dreamily,Read More
It has been another busy week here in Castle Coop…
Despite being worn out after all the services he has given to celebrate Christmas, Trev the Rev most hospitably invited all the congregation to attend an ‘Open House’ party to celebrate the year’s end.. His parishioners in Castle Coop were absolutely delighted to attend and a marvellous time was had by all.
Liberty Hen was annoyed to report that she’s been having problems with her wardrobe.
Apparently she initially tried taking a determined approach to the problem …
but was finally forced to accept defeat … & to reach for the Post-Christmas Horrors:
The dreaded Trousers With The Elasticated Waistband.
Postcards landed on the doormats of several houses in Castle Coop sent by Lady Egality and Sir Plym, corresponding from overseas in Kenya. Kindly remembering their many friends and neighbours in Castle Coop, they report that the weather is beautifully hot in Kenya and they are greatly enjoying life on the beach.
Brown Owl, having led the Brownies on a Litter-Clearance expedition after lunch, has sent off for several Brownie ‘Good Citizen’ badges which she plans to award in early 2016.
The Village Hall Committee hosted a Party to welcome in the New Year:
& speaking on behalf of the Village Hall Committee, Sir Burford Brown was delighted to confirm that the evening was a great success. After a delicious fish pie cooked by Lady Sebright and Lady Lohmann Brown, Auld Lang Syne was sung with great gusto as was a version of ‘500 miles’ by The Proclaimers. Several villagers danced until the small hours.
Castle Coopians unanimously agreed to keep a low profile on the morning of New Year’s Day. It is suspected that the energetic and joyful celebrations on New Year’s Eve, were responsible for the deserted street scene.
After spending a quiet morning, many villagers elected to spend a quiet afternoon which they followed up by an early night.
The Editorial Team at The Awesome Hen would like to wish you all a very Happy New Year!
The Awesome Hen was sorry to hear that Liberty Hen needed several cups of calming tea after a misadventure which occurred when she decided to take down the Christmas decorations which she and The Agent had been enjoying during the festive season:
Apparently, Lady Liberty was so pleased that she’d actually managed to steel herself to do the dreaded deed…
she made a fundamental error,
by failing to realise that she’d need a periscope.
until it was too late.
Next time Liberty Hen will rope herself to the door.
Yours on behalf of our crack Editorial Team here at The Awesome Hen,